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Giggles
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well strung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practising to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Or
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born? A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said .00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Desperate Wife.
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Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1
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The advantages of being South African.
1. No need trying to keep up with the Joneses - they emigrated last week.
2. You can eat worms and half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.
3. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.
4. Unrivalled job prospects for those unburdened with training, skills or experience.
5. You get to buy a new car every three months and the insurance company even pays for it.
6. You can experience kak service in eleven official languages.
7. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?
8. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing.
9. You're considered clumsy if you cannot use a cell phone (without carkit), change CDs, drink a beer and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph on the highway.
10. Great Eccent.
11. People mistake you for being Australian.
12. Americans will never consider dropping a nuclear bomb on you because they don't know that you exist.
13. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.
14. You get to carry a gun.
15. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.
16. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
17. The police are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called.
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You know you are in South Africa when:
a) Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
b) When illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.
c) The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported because no one is murdered.
d) A murderer gets a two year sentence and a pirate TV viewer six months.
e) The prisoners strike!
f) You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been stolen.
g) The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled.
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A South African, an Aussie, and a Londoner were sitting in a London pub having a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer, downs it throws his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air.He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on
the bar and shouts "In Souff Afrika we hef so meny glausses we never drenk out of the same glaus twass".
The Aussie then downs his beer, throws his Glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and belches."Ay mate, in Osstraarlear we have so much blaady saaand which makes glaaass reeeally cheap, so we too, never drink out of the same glaaass twice".
The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and South African and says "In London we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same ones twice."
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Mary had a little lamb ,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman,going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg."
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them as well, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey, he needed the Money!!
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